6 Weeks

Its hard to believe that its been 6 weeks since my surgery. Overall I'm doing great. Tomorrow is a big day. I meet with an oncologist. (ONC) I have to say that I'm very nervous about that one. I just got a hold of the Path report and Surgical grading has kept me at a stage 1. (no Lymph node involvement) Although there is something in the report talking about focal lymphatic invasion in the DCIS section. Yes They did find areas of DCIS. I also have had to tumor graded at a grade 3. I really did not want to deal with chemo. Between that and the BS called and the areas of DCIS only had a margin on 1mm (she likes 2mm) and her wanting me to see a radiation oncologist. I knew I would be having to deal with Hormone therapy and not totally thrilled with that.

I just don't feel prepared for this appointment. When I met with the BS and the PS, I had read so much on what I was in for and the was clear and I had a handle on it. There are so many forms and types of ways chemo can go that I really can't do much until I meet with the doctor and get an idea as to the direction of treatment. Between that and the up coming OOPH, I'm not sure what to be prepared for.

Sorry for the Break

I just ended up in some sort of funk. Between that and the school year coming to an end I have just been overwhelmed in stuff. Toss in recovery, I just haven't had a chance to catch up with much. I apologize for that.

Well here I am 5 weeks later and I have to say I'm having better days and than those not so much better days. There was a period of time about 3 to 4 weeks in that my chest just hurt. It was all I could do was sit there and hold my boobs. Thankfully those times are getting further and further apart. Unfortunately not a day goes by where I am not completely aware of my boobs and how they are feeling today. This past sunday was a good day. I sat and relaxed by the lake and really was not aware of much more than my stomach. (The mesh the PS placed in there still feels a bit weird but he said it, like my new breasts would also take getting some adjusting to). I even managed to get my kitchen cleaned out and a few other odds and ends done. I paid for it today.

Its a feeling that is hard to describe. Maybe its like wearing a bra that is a bit snug. Problem being that I'm not wearing anything but a cotton cami and there is nothing to remove. (BTW Love those simple cotton cami's They are comfortable to sleep in and to wear underneath cothing that would otherwise be very uncomfortable.) The other thing I'm still having issues with is sleeping. I'm a side sleeper and I just have not been able to get comfortable. I still can't sleep flat on my back so I have a few pillows piled up. Of course over the course of the night I slip down and then wake up. I try to sleep on my side but I need a pillow for the front to help support and one behind me to keep me from falling back.

I know its only temporary and one day I won't even think about it. I just wish It would get here sooner than later. I meet with an oncologist on tues. I'm a bit curious to see what she has to say. Of course nothing with me is ever clear cut. My BS Might want me to see a radiologist as well. I was really hoping to avoid radiation but the margin to some DCIS that they found was a bit closer than she would normally like to see. I should get a copy of the Pathology report tomorrow so I can start to get some research done before I meet with the Oncologist. Hopefully my next post won't be so long in coming.

Copied from my cancer board

The drains under the arms were one of the most annoying things I have every dealt with. I can happily say that today I went from 4 and am now down to one. As long as that one can stay below 30, It should come out on Monday. My PS doesn't want it in to long as he had to place a piece of mesh to actually give me some abdominal structure and he doesn't want that to get infected. I also meet with my BS and she is thrilled with how everything has turned out. She did give me a chuckle as she was checking on the PS as he was working and helping keep DH updated and the poor PS was not having very nice things to say about my high risk OB. Cant say I blame him. I didn't like him much either. Except for the lack of nipples, you would never know I had a mastectomy. My Dh was asking about some revisions and such and both the PS and me looked at him and told him to take a chill pill. I am only 1 1/2 weeks out. I need to give everything time to settle and start really moving again to get rid of the swelling. I have a bit of a fungal infection by one of the drain sites under my arms but he said a bit of anti fungal stuff (think athletes foot stuff) and I should be fine. My DH even found one that was scented since not being able to wear deodorant has been driving me insane. I'm still not happy about the amount of underarm hair but I know I will be able to deal with that soon.The good news is I'm pretty much off all meds except for the antibiotic. If I feel like I need anything Advil is enough.

I have to say those first two days were absolute HE** but since I've been home, I am so much happier. The drains were a real pain but with them gone I'm Free! The only other major issue I ran into was the ps said not to worry two much about undies under the yoga pants. Now I'm NOT a commando type gal by any means but I did as he asked. Well I ended up with the worst chafing and diaper type rash. I haven't had desitin in the house in years but DH went to the store and got me some and as long as I was home either alone or with DH I just let it all hang out and am now feeling so much better.

The kids bickering is a bit tiring but we are working on it. They have discovered that mommy will take absolutely no nonsense right now or they will not be happy with the outcomes. DH goes back to work next week after being off for two. My Mil plans on coming again next week to help in the am although I will try to see if I can get my self up and going and getting the kids out the door. but at least she should be here for back up. The one thing I haven't tried yet has been walking the puppy.

So after the doc appointments, my DH took me shopping to kohls. I needed to figure out something to wear. I have spent the past 20 something years in jeans and t shirts and right now jeans are not very appealing to try to put on. So I came home with 4 new dresses, (In addition to one I had packed away years ago and never thought I would fit into again.) I am just in such shock that I am actually going to where dresses again. I have always had to much tummy to get away with them. Of course my thunder thighs are still there but hopefully i will be able to do something about that when I can get back to exercises class. I have had a few breakdowns, usually when I think about my mom and what she must have been feeling. I'm sad that she isn't here to be with me but I do know that she is with me in here spirit.

Well getting ready for bed. Need to move my water bottle so I don't accidentally take a sip. Nerves are starting to set in but I just have to keep moving forward. I'll post again when I can.

Later all

about 36 hours to go

I don't know how long my surgery will be but they have estimated 10 to 12 hours. I told my family not a big deal I'll be sleeping you are the ones that have to deal. I'm pretty much ready to go. Bag is packed and just have to put in the last few things that are still being used. My MIL is coming up to stay the night. I have to be at the hospital by 6am (scheduled start of 7:40) so she can be here for the kids and get them ready for school and onto the bus. My sister is planning on coming up from MD at sometime today.

Over all I'm ok now. its setting in that the day is here and this is really going to happen. I'm not a nervous person normally. When I got married the Martian d was totally amazed that I was just standing there waiting to walk down the isle. Its my family (with the exception of my DH) who are driving me insane. I understand where they are coming from. I lost my mom 10 years ago to this disease and they can only see and remember everything went wrong in her case. I guess I have some of that in the back of my mind as well but there are very different conditions between me and my mom. I'm 10 years younger than she was and in much better health. Plus it is 10 years later and things have changed and advanced so much. Its that fact that things are changing that gives me hope. What scares me the most in this whole thing is what my girls are going to be dealing with when their turn comes around. Being BRCA1+, I worry if I passed this nightmare on to them. They are only 11 right now and I will have to talk with the docs as to when I should get them tested and how to deal with it. They are on the edges of puberty now.

The other thing that scares me more than the mastectomy is the OOPH. (I'm scheduled for that the end of July) I really not sure I'm ready for full on menopause (I say that as I'm finishing up my period) The SE from that scare me the most.

So for today, I am going to try to relax. I told my DH I was not the one in charge of the kids today. I did not want to be yelling at them to finish up something or take care of things, He could be in charge today. I have all their appointments and actives organized as well as their school work projects that must be worked on. I just have to finish the phone list for him. My world is on my computer and he just wouldn't be able to find anything on it. I have to also print out a list of all the passwords for the bills so if the worst happens he can figure out how to access everything. Most things are paperless with reminder to my email. Bills have been paid through the end of the month and I should be able to get the next round worked on when I'm on the other side.

Thanks for the well wishes. I will update when I can.

4 Days to go

As I am trying to get things together Its interesting to note how long my list seems of what I juggle. I am trying to get it written down so that the care givers in the next two weeks know what needs to be addressed. And of course this does not include the financial ends of things. I'll have all bills through the end of the month paid and an estimate on the next set laid out to deal with when I get back to life.

I know my family just wants to help but they are going to drive me crazy. They all have my mother in their minds. While I totally understand that, I am not my mother. I am not blindly doing what I'm told but I have a much better understanding of what I am doing than I think my mother ever had. To add to the craziness my sister is also planing on coming up and helping. I'm not sure who is going to go crazy first.... Me or Steve.

All testing is done. Just have pre op tomorrow and then that's it till monday. I'm just starting to feel the nerves work up a bit. I don't think its going to hit so much until that morning.

Ok list done now to get up and attack the kitchen again.

V is for Victory

It was a long battle but Its done. Insurance has approved my PS. That is no longer hanging over my head and I can move on with all the preps. Of course I can't concentrate on much because I'm hungry but I can't eat before the cat scan. They are just doing the US of the lymph node. They said they had to schedule the biopsy separately. My BS was calling to see what she could do. Hopefully these will be the last of the tests for now and I can meet again with my BS.

In the meantime, Kids have testing this week so at least there is no homework to deal with. Just wish it was a bit warmer out there.