Well getting ready for bed. Need to move my water bottle so I don't accidentally take a sip. Nerves are starting to set in but I just have to keep moving forward. I'll post again when I can.

Later all

about 36 hours to go

I don't know how long my surgery will be but they have estimated 10 to 12 hours. I told my family not a big deal I'll be sleeping you are the ones that have to deal. I'm pretty much ready to go. Bag is packed and just have to put in the last few things that are still being used. My MIL is coming up to stay the night. I have to be at the hospital by 6am (scheduled start of 7:40) so she can be here for the kids and get them ready for school and onto the bus. My sister is planning on coming up from MD at sometime today.

Over all I'm ok now. its setting in that the day is here and this is really going to happen. I'm not a nervous person normally. When I got married the Martian d was totally amazed that I was just standing there waiting to walk down the isle. Its my family (with the exception of my DH) who are driving me insane. I understand where they are coming from. I lost my mom 10 years ago to this disease and they can only see and remember everything went wrong in her case. I guess I have some of that in the back of my mind as well but there are very different conditions between me and my mom. I'm 10 years younger than she was and in much better health. Plus it is 10 years later and things have changed and advanced so much. Its that fact that things are changing that gives me hope. What scares me the most in this whole thing is what my girls are going to be dealing with when their turn comes around. Being BRCA1+, I worry if I passed this nightmare on to them. They are only 11 right now and I will have to talk with the docs as to when I should get them tested and how to deal with it. They are on the edges of puberty now.

The other thing that scares me more than the mastectomy is the OOPH. (I'm scheduled for that the end of July) I really not sure I'm ready for full on menopause (I say that as I'm finishing up my period) The SE from that scare me the most.

So for today, I am going to try to relax. I told my DH I was not the one in charge of the kids today. I did not want to be yelling at them to finish up something or take care of things, He could be in charge today. I have all their appointments and actives organized as well as their school work projects that must be worked on. I just have to finish the phone list for him. My world is on my computer and he just wouldn't be able to find anything on it. I have to also print out a list of all the passwords for the bills so if the worst happens he can figure out how to access everything. Most things are paperless with reminder to my email. Bills have been paid through the end of the month and I should be able to get the next round worked on when I'm on the other side.

Thanks for the well wishes. I will update when I can.

4 Days to go

As I am trying to get things together Its interesting to note how long my list seems of what I juggle. I am trying to get it written down so that the care givers in the next two weeks know what needs to be addressed. And of course this does not include the financial ends of things. I'll have all bills through the end of the month paid and an estimate on the next set laid out to deal with when I get back to life.

I know my family just wants to help but they are going to drive me crazy. They all have my mother in their minds. While I totally understand that, I am not my mother. I am not blindly doing what I'm told but I have a much better understanding of what I am doing than I think my mother ever had. To add to the craziness my sister is also planing on coming up and helping. I'm not sure who is going to go crazy first.... Me or Steve.

All testing is done. Just have pre op tomorrow and then that's it till monday. I'm just starting to feel the nerves work up a bit. I don't think its going to hit so much until that morning.

Ok list done now to get up and attack the kitchen again.

V is for Victory

It was a long battle but Its done. Insurance has approved my PS. That is no longer hanging over my head and I can move on with all the preps. Of course I can't concentrate on much because I'm hungry but I can't eat before the cat scan. They are just doing the US of the lymph node. They said they had to schedule the biopsy separately. My BS was calling to see what she could do. Hopefully these will be the last of the tests for now and I can meet again with my BS.

In the meantime, Kids have testing this week so at least there is no homework to deal with. Just wish it was a bit warmer out there.

Last day

Today was my last day at the part time job. I took two weeks off before surgery as I knew there would be lots of testing and such. I also wanted time to do what ever shopping needed to be done as well as try to attack the house.

So I have the ovary U/S on Monday, the lymph node U/S Tues followed by the Chest cat scan. I have to fast for 4 hours before that so basically no food or water after 9:30a. I'm sure there will be follow ups after those are done and when its all finally said and done I finally meet with the BS again.

I am at least not going to stress about the insurance. Apparently this opened up a whole can of worms hospital wide that the President of Oxford is now involved as well as the top hospital personal. I don't quite understand it all. What has been reveled is many serious violations not only with me personally but hospital wide. I really love my BS and she has told me to keep moving forward. Everything we are doing is going to have to be done no matter what. If we have to package it all up and transfer to some of her other colleges in the city, she will help me every step of the way.

Going out to dinner with a friend to try to unwind a bit. Trying to get arrangement info for a friend. Really sad note: My friend was separated from her H. They had just started divorce procedures and he was found the other night. He shot himself. Its just so sad and really dwarfs what I am dealing with. He left behind two great kids (10 & 7).

And more tests needed

So I got a call from Carolynn (MRI) and she said the films had been read but there was some swelling by the right side lymph nodes and they would like me to come in and they want to do an US of it. Fine. So Mon is an US for the ovaries, Tues is the US for the lymph nodes. Then I got a call from my BS. Not only does she want the area US'd she also wants to have it biopsied as well. Great that's just what I need is for this thing to have spread to the nodes. She also said she noticed that there was some fluid buildup in my chest that she wants to check out as well. I'm not sure if that's a chest cat scan or what but I'm sure I will find out the answer to that soon enough. At least she is being through.

Insurance is still a question. Apparently my Insurance co really badly handled things resulting in numerous HIPPA violations that not only affect me, but the doctors in their network (My BS being one of them). So I am hoping that their screw up will work in my favor. I asked what happens if in the end they deny my PS because there is ONE in network that "said" he preforms micro-vascular but in reality he doesn't. So what happens if I meet with him and really don't like him? I'm SOL?! I should have the right to at least of a choice of two or three docs. Anyways she said worst case, we would transfer everything to NYC with some of the colleges she knows and trusts there. I really wanted to avoid traveling to the city but I guess I would take that over this quack working on me. Nothing against the doc, Just after talking with him and doing my research I know he's not the doctor for me.

MRI Done

I have to say it wasn't that bad. It was actually kind of relaxing since I couldn't move I started dozing a bit. Of course being in that position for 45 min or so made getting up a bit stiff but overall I'm sure it could have been worse. Of course as is typical for my life, nothing goes off without a hitch. Somewhere down the line of all the docs checking out my mamo's the pictures of the left breast disappeared. So I have a call in to see if I can get another copy of the films and then need to get them to the MRI center.

On top of this I still haven't heard from anyone on the insurance front. This has me the most nervous. I'm afraid to be planing all of this and then at the last minuet have to cancel it all because of this nonsense. Then what, everything is pushed back another month? I don't want to wait any longer. I'm a procrastinator and I'm afraid to put this off. I also don't want to go through the BMX without having the reconstruction following. I've had to many fights with depression and this could just push me back over the edge. I know Marybeth said she'd call when she had news but its been 1 1/2 weeks and (over two weekends). Surgery is less than 3 weeks away and I'm loosing sleep over this crap and not over the upcoming surgery.

I just don't know what do do.

2nd Meeting with the PS

So I meet with the PS again today. We talked about what I would like to do and what he can do. Besides being a bit on the heavy side he also mentioned that we have to be careful as the skin and fat was so stretched out the blood supply is already a little bit compromised from the triplet pg. I'm just going to take one step at a time.

Still no word on the insurance front. It was talking abit with the PS and apparently there is at least one other woman in the office having the same issue as I am. He was surprised that my insurance co is saying there is someone out of Englewood Hospital because as far as he is aware Englewood does not do the microsurgery procedure. He feels that in my case the DIEP is the better method for me and my reconstruction and that he is only one of a few doctors in NJ that preform it. Those that are just starting out call him for advice. I'm just going to keep moving forward and hope to get this resolved soon.

Tomorrow the MRI.